The Power of Family Versus the Powerless Family

Stephen Hobfoll’s Conservation of Resources (COR) theory teaches us that individuals become stressed when their resources are lost or threatened; resources being those things which we value - social status, positive social support, knowledge, certain personality traits, employment and so on.

The implication of a theory such as COR, is that a successful psychological intervention will focus on helping individuals and communities to build and strengthen particular resources in order to buffer the negative effects of stress and trauma.

The family unit has the potential to be an incredible source of support, acceptance and encouragement; shielding individuals from the effects of stress and trauma. In South Africa, however, too often the family unit is not functioning in this way. Rather, many families are crippled by broken relationships and multiple stressors such as financial shortages, drug and gang ridden communities and unemployment.

Weak, broken families can, in large part, be attributed to a general lack in parenting skills, and spousal/partner relationship skills. Children don’t confide in their parents, they learn early on that it is ‘better to cheat on your partner before they cheat on you’ and if not neglected and ignored, are punished by their parent’s fists. Many of the social ills that we see in contemporary society are, to a large extent, the result of family break down and dysfunction.

Naseera Ebrahim, a Parent Support Group Facilitator at the Parent Centre, states that many negative parenting styles are a result of parents’ own traumatic experiences that were never resolved. Ebrahim has found that when the parents that she works with realise that their parenting is hugely dependent on their own healing, they are then able to start their own journey of “personal growth and positive parenting”.

The Family Life Centre’s Liz Dooley believes that “we need to help family members learn the skills of communication, to talk to each other, to share and show acceptance and understanding of each other.  We need to help them to grow and change.  Parents should be role models for their children; showing love and tolerance for each other but also having boundaries and setting limits”.

John, a member of CASE’s Men’s Project (a community project  in Hanover Park, Cape Town), was equipped with parenting skills, marriage skills and helped to totally review what he sees as his role as the father and husband. Through this experience he says his life has been changed. He now talks to his children, and realises the importance of encouraging them and spending time with them. He sees his wife as an equal partner who needs his respect and care.

Bearing this information in mind, healthy families may be one of the most undervalued resources in South Africa and one of the most powerful tools for counteracting, and enabling individuals and communities to deal with traumatic events. Effective marriages and effective parent-child relationships create a stable, strong and fulfilling environment that can guard against the negative effects of trauma.